Шокирующие и бесстыдные Лимерики


Джим Хэйнс (Jum Haynes) собрал большую коллекцию австралийских лимериков

Часть из них посвящена разным шокирующим и бесстыдным вещам. Перевода на русский не будет: кому надо - тот переведёт.

A sultan who likes his girls buxom
At ninety still often abduxom,
And then they are led
To a sumptuous bed
In which he regretfully fuxom.
A horny hermaphrodite
Made a pass at an Aussie one night.
But the bloke, quite irate,
Said, ‘Go fuck yourself, mate!’
And the hermaphrodite said, ‘All right.’

A serial kisser named Tucker
Would approach every lass with a pucker.
But sometimes his mouth
Went a trifle far south
And landed where others might fuck ’er.
Sex with cute Annie Costanza
Is always a bosom bonanza.
Suck Annie’s big tits
And she’ll throw fifty fits,
It’s always a sextravaganza.

There’s a humanoid creature from Venus
With a luminous sixteen-inch penis.
All night he hunts
For big hairy cunts …
Oh shit! Look out, girls, now he’s seen us!
When a guy had his girl in a truck
In his ears both her nipples got stuck.
With his thumb up her bum
He could hear himself come.
They’d invented the ‘Telephone Fuck’!

A dirty perverted old German,
Whose name, incidentally, was Herman,
Made films of the cunnies
Of ten Playboy bunnies
All close up, with lots of fresh sperm in.
On a date with a charming young bird,
My erotic feelings were stirred.
So I asked, with some pluck,
‘Hey, do you fuck?’
She said, ‘Yes, but I don’t use that word!’

There was a young girl from Uttoxeter,
So pretty that men waved their cocks at her.
One went so far
As to wave from his car
A cock that had once had the pox at her.
The couple jumped into the sack,
Her legs opened to wrap round his back
But, when they looked around,
No condoms were found!
So he couldn’t slip into her crack.

Said a thoughtful young stud from Brasilia,
‘One orgasm spasm will fill ya.
So I’ll just let the rest
Gush out on your chest,
If I shot it inside, it’d kill ya.’
There was a young maiden quite lewd
Who stood in a queue in the nude.
Then a man just in front
Said, ‘Pooh … I smell cunt!’
Just like that … right out loud … fucking rude!

A workaholic young girl called Renee
Shares a house with a guy who is gay.
She cooks the dinner,
He sticks it in ’er,
And then they just both walk away!
A naked young woman from France
Once got on the bus in a trance.
Six passengers fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver shot twice in his pants.

There was an old fellow named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
‘That used to feel grand,
But look at my hand,
You’re not wiping as well as you used ter!’
A travelling Indian Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said, ‘Girls on the way,
But what the hell is a panoe?’

There once was a villain most feared
Who tied a lass to a train track and leered.
But he tied her up wrongways,
Not crossways but longways,
And a forty-car train disappeared!
The dirty old bishop of Buckingham
Was thinking of tits and of suckingham
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fuckingham.

That famous old bishop of Buckingham
Wrote a treatise on tits and on suckingham
But later his work
Was eclipsed by a Turk
Whose topic was arseholes and fuckingham.
Mrs Kelly is partial to cocks,
Mr Kelly likes scotch on the rocks
And can’t get it together
When under the weather,
So she lets others into her box.

We know three farm girls from Cuxham
And whenever we meets ’em, we fucks ’em.
And when that grows stale
We sits on a rail
And takes out our cocks and they sucks ’em.
There was a young pervert called Jack
Who was licking his wife’s anal crack.
He’d developed the art
Of avoiding the fart
But was hit in the face by the flak.

Any girl who fucked Bluebeard could tell
That he didn’t like cunt all that well.
He’d finger and fuck one
But never could suck one,
He couldn’t get used to the smell.
They arrested a fellow from Fife
For fucking the corpse of his wife.
He pleaded, ‘But, Judge,
She was cold, did not budge,
Just the same as she acted in life!’

My niece was a horrible kid
Who never did as she was bid.
She told Aunt Louise,
‘Your cunt smells like cheese.’
And the worst of it was that it did.
Famous sleuth Ellery Queen
Had olfactory powers so keen
He could tell in a flash
By sniffing a gash
Who the previous tenant had been.

There was an old pervert from Crewe
Who lived mostly on cunt-juice and spew.
When he couldn’t get that
He ate what he shat,
And a bloody good shit he shat, too!
In the checkout queue at the store
A nun was advising the poor:
‘Hey, you up in front!
More than eight items, cunt!
Get in the right queue, you whore!’

Fuck me fast, fuck me deep, fuck me oft,
In the bed, in the bath, in the loft,
Up my arse, up my cunt,
From behind, from in front,
With your stiffest erection, not soft!
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
While wiping his chin,
‘If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it.’

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