Лимерики, посвящённые Перверсиям

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Джим Хэйнс (Jum Haynes) собрал большую коллекцию австралийских лимериков

Часть из них посвящена разным перверсиям. Перевода на русский не будет: кому надо - тот переведёт.

A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love all day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
 
A young German stripper named Sheba
For a pet has a little amoeba.
This green blob of jelly
Just lies on her belly,
And soulfully murmurs, ‘Ich liebe’

Two elderly ladies from Fordham
Went for a stroll, out of boredom.
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush and ignored ’em.
 
There was a young maiden named Rose
With erogenous zones in her toes.
She remained onanistic
Till a foot-fetishistic
Young man became one of her beaux.

A young hippie lassie named Lynn
Can’t wait for the first week of spring.
She performs pagan rites
In open crotch tights
And a daffodil stuck in her thing.
 
A general, perverted and rotten,
And wearing a G-string of cotton,
Would watch while nude ranks
Opened right and left flanks
And privates were mostly forgotten.

My girlfriend has captured my heart
But her bed manners aren’t very smart.
Each time that I cum
She arches her bum
And lets out a bloody great fart!
 
Said a girl, ‘This may sound idiotic
But I find sex in cars most exotic.
I’ve always adored
Making love in a Ford
For I’m really quite auto-erotic!’

A dirty old fellow called Mark
Used to wander about after dark
Getting his kicks
Doing perverted tricks
To the nude statuettes in the park.
 
A dominant lady named Gail
Likes to beat on her slaves with a flail
Crying, ‘Be lookin’ cute
While you’re lickin’ my boot!
Then continue on, up to my tail.’

An onanist named Henry Pickett
Strokes himself while playing cricket.
He never fails
To squirt on the bails,
With Pickett it’s sticky, that wicket.
 
A pervert who hated compliance
Fucked his own arse in defiance
Of behaviour that’s normal,
Morality formal
And most of the known laws of science.

A perverted man from Calcutta
Often covers his doodle with butter
And lovingly screws
A bag of cashews.
The guy is a real fucking nutter!
 
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
Said, ‘It’s been hard since I lost him,
So I’ll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price.’

‘I know you’re my bride,’ said poor Terence,
‘But I hope you will show some forbearance.
My sexual habits
Were picked up from rabbits,
And occasionally watching my parents.’
 
A lazy young pervert called Scott
Took a horny girl onto his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her
He made planes out of paper
And flew them towards her bare twat.

A fellow with passion quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister’s pink lingerie.
Then spanked her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
 
At a séance a fellow called Post
Was being sucked off by a ghost.
Then on came the lights
And there, in pink tights,
On his knees was old Basil, the host!

Said an old married couple, ‘Let’s swap!’
So they did and the wife got on top.
She bounced for an hour
Till she ran out of power,
And the kids, who’d grown bored, made them stop.
 
‘’Tis my custom,’ said dear Lady Norris,
‘To beg lifts from the drivers of lorries.
When they get out to piss
I see things that I miss
At the wheel of my two-seater Morris.’

A gay guy who loathed masturbating
Met a couple who loved anal-mating.
As the husband was bi
They decided to try
What they aptly called ‘double-dating’.
 
There was a respectable mister
Who noticed an odd sort of blister
Where no blister should be,
Which was dreadful ’cos he
Had got it at home, from his sister.

A pervert I know name of Scotty
Has habits unusually grotty.
In five minutes flat
He buggered my cat
And tossed himself off in my potty.
 
There was once a man from Bombay
Who made a vagina from clay.
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick,
And it wore all his foreskin away.

A dirty old bugger called Dave
Kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, ‘I admit
I’m a bit of a shit,
But look at the money I save.’

or

There was an old man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a cave.
He said, ‘How disgusting,
But it only needs dusting,
And think of the money I’ll save.’

or

There once was an old guy named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, ‘There’s no class
In screwing dead arse,
But look at the money you save.’

or even

There was a young miser called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, ‘I agree
That it’s nasty of me,
But look at the money I save.’
 
‘Not my fault, your honour!’ said Sid.
‘I just did as my two nieces bid.
I tucked them in bed,
Asked, “What’s to be read?”
“Uncle Remus,” they said, so I did!’

I’ll tell you a bit about Jim’s
Unusual sexual whims,
Many of which
Involve pneumatic tits
And synthetic inflatable quims.
 
Big Brother Blucher of Brest
Insistently sinned by incest.
He buggered his brother,
And mounted his mother,
But insisted his sister was best.

On Tuesday I called up my mother
And said to her, ‘Mum, there’s another,
She gives good head too,
And she’s younger than you,
You’ll have to make do with my brother.’
 
‘Ménage à trois, girls?’ asked Marcus,
As he stripped off and showed them his carcus.
Said one to the other,
‘Looks like little brother.
I think he’s too puny to farcus.’

I asked a transvestite to tea
And, as we were discussing her fee,
She gave me a shock,
When she pulled out her cock,
And announced she would do me for free.
 
A sporty old pervert named Brock
Loves to play golf with his cock.
Its size horrifies
Most other guys
And girls shit their pants from the shock.

There was a strange girl from Blackheath
Who circumcised men with her teeth.
It’s all very funny
’Cos it wasn’t for money
But to get at the cheese underneath!
 
There once was a lady named Dot
Who liked to put flies up her twat.
The buggers would buzz
Way down in her fuzz,
Till you glued their wings tight with a shot.

Somewhere there’s a vampire called Mabel
With periods very unstable.
By the light of the moon,
With the aid of a spoon,
She’ll drink herself under the table.
 
The dirty old baker of Tottenham
Used to bake pies and put snot in ’em.
He also used turds
And the droppings of birds,
And beat off young dogs till they shot in ’em.

There once was a fellow from Reims
Who always had heavy wet dreams.
He was a great wit,
He encased them in shit,
And he sold them as chocolate creams!
 
There was a young man from Peru
Who lived off bird droppings and spew.
When he couldn’t get this
He ate shit and drank piss.
(And he seemed to thrive on it too!)

 

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