Лимерики, посвящённые Проституции

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Джим Хэйнс (Jum Haynes) собрал большую коллекцию австралийских лимериков

Часть из них посвящена проституции. Перевода на русский не будет: кому надо - тот переведёт.

 ‘I wouldn’t be bothered with drawers,’
Says one of our better-known whawers;
‘There isn’t much doubt
I do better without
In handling my everyday chawers.’
 
A naughty old colonel of Butte
Had a habit his friends thought was cutte.
He’d slip off to Spokane
And proceed from the train
To a house of distinct ill reputte.

There once was a harlot of Glamis
Who would undress without any quamis.
If you paid her enough
She’d strip to the buff,
And let you enjoy all her chamis.
 
There once was a lady named Lilly
With a craving to walk Piccadilly.
Said she, ‘Ain’t it funny,
It’s not for the money,
But, if I don’t take it, it’s silly!’

When a pimp to his harlot once cried,
‘You’re not making enough,’ she replied,
‘What do you expect o’ me!
Since my appendectomy
You know I just work on the side!’
 
Said a charming young lady of Padua,
‘Ten lira! By Gad, what a cadua!’
He, lifting his hat,
Said, ‘It wasn’t worth that!
Have you any idea just how badua?’

‘For widower wanted: housekeeper.
Not too refined, a light sleeper.
When employer’s inclined
Must be game for a grind.
Pay generous, mind, but can’t keep her.’
 
Local whores may not make their debut
But they perform social functions, it’s true.
They give most of the gentry
Their very first entry,
They’re the first entry most gentry do.

An ageing old lecher from Cardigan
Knew he would never get hard again.
What’s more the girls know
’Bout his problem, and so
From all local brothels he’s barred again.
 
There was a young whore of Baroda
Who built an erotic pagoda.
The walls of the halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue
And said with a grin,
‘If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out of it, too.’
 
A whore who I once used to see Said,
‘I’ll do anything for a fee.’
So I said, ‘Can I pee?’
And she said, ‘Feel free,
Pay the fee and then have one on me.’

There once was a virgin named Charlotte,
An aspiring Hollywood starlet,
Who screwed a producer
Who tried to seduce her,
Now she makes extra cash as a harlot.
 
Said a porter once at the Ritz,
‘Friday nights thrill me to bits,
Blokes come here with hookers,
All pretty good lookers,
To check in while I check out their tits!’

There once was a man from Dakota
Would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So she stopped giving head,
Jumped right out of bed,
And pissed in his whisky and soda.
 
My sister’s an organised whore,
Her price list is up on the door.
It’s a dollar to view her,
For two you can screw her,
And for four she gets down on the floor.

Sis tried the promotional caper.
So local trade wouldn’t escape her
You got it half-price
If you bought her twice
And brought in her ad from the paper.
 
At a brothel a man from Madrid
Bought fifty fucks for fifty quid.
When they asked, ‘Aren’t you faint?’
He said, ‘No, I ain’t.
But I don’t feel as well as I did.’

There once was a lady from Reno
Who lost all her bucks playing Keno,
So she lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And now she owns half the casino.
 
A tired young hooker in Rome
Was fixing her hair with a comb
When eight men wanted screwing,
But she said, ‘Nothing doing,
One of you has to go home.’

A hooker of note named Miss Flux
Always charges at least ninety bucks.
But for that she would suck you,
Jerk you and fuck you.
The whole thing was simply deluxe.
 
A part-time harlot called Gwen
Used to peddle her arse now and then.
She was getting a crown
Till her value went down
Now she’s just twenty pence, sometimes ten.

We once shared a whore who’d ignore us
While rubbing her throbbing clitoris.
Although she put out
There was never a doubt,
When we came she’d been there before us!
 
Said a whore to a lecherous geezer,
‘Look here, if it’s too loose ta please ya,
You’re welcome to cum
In my smelly old bum,
Just watch that me tapeworm don’t seize ya.’

There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
You could do her twice for a penny
Or, for half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practised by many.
 
There once was a harlot called Kim
Who had a remarkable quim.
It wasn’t the size
That attracted the flies,
But the crystallised cum round the rim.

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